Not busy enough for my own good?

Yesterday was a bust for me at work. I wasn't busy enough. I had a great opportunity to get a day ahead on my stuff. Wendy, one the assistants, is back in the office after a few weeks out. I'd been doing her stuff the last few weeks which took 4-5 hours on Monday or Tuesday and the extra work made me be efficient with my time each day. Yesterday, I didn't have the extra 4 hours of stuff to do, my afternoon appointment canceled, and the result was a whole block of extra time in the afternoon. I didn't use it well. I wasted it.

no guilt, though. I know what i need to do differently. stay busy.

i use the countdown timer on my sporty watch to measure and make me aware of the time i spend on the internet. i don't like saying it, but the 'net is compulsive and a bit obsessive for me. often, i'll be working on something at my desk and without any conscious thought, i'll have switched myself to the computer looking at sports scores, email or headlines or whatever distracts me. when i am managing this well, i set the timer on the watch for 30 minutes and check my email 2 times per hour. i keep the computer closed and i even have another time set for 5 minutes to remind me to keep it quick. i need that.

this system works very well for me when i am busy with plenty of urgent and important things to do. however, when i have work to do that can wait, and extra time in my schedule, i don't manage this as well. yesterday was one of those days - extra time and no pressure to get things done. i wasted time.

Today? No chance. A ton to do. Two appointments this afternoon. I will get a lot done. i promise.

The Tank Is Empty

I've gotten to the point where i my tank is empty. i'm losing my capacity and desire to be patient with people or to connect with people and try to interact with them. I've been working everyday for two weeks straight to pull of a week long big event for 550 children and 200+ volunteers. It's warn me down and it's about the busiest week of the year.
My love capacity with my wife is really low right now. I haven't been connecting well with her over the last week and a half. It's been horrible. I don't have the will to call her, apologize and start the mending process. Even as i write this, i don't feel like i have the brain power or emotional power to describe what's been happening and how i feel.
at times like this i am most inclined to do stupid things - pursuing thoughts of things that bring quick satisfaction but long term destruction. porn. looking for stupid relationships. wasting time. i don't have a porn problem; i have a tired problem. when i'm tired i want to look at porn and find a bad relationship. (i've never done the relationship thing) both things that take me away from the way i know i should live life.
i need a break. i need some rest, recreation and relaxation. when i have the chance to read, meditate, play and pray, my tank gets refilled. time spent doing this will fill my tank as fast as anything and the bonus for me is that i have discovered i can do this really well when i am on the bike. i need to take a long ride and get lost in my legs spinning, dragging over hills, dipping deep into my endurance. i need something basic and primal and i need to accomplish something that is only dependent on me, myself and i.

June 19, 2007 4:45 PM

Confrontation and Accountability

As a manager of paid and volunteer staff, confrontation and accountability are so much part of my life and so foreign to me at the same time. I haven't been at this long, about 3 years, and I come from 10 years of teaching children where the confrontation and accountability are so different. (or are they? the thought occured to me as i write that maybe i should treat them the same...thoughts?)

Part of my difficulty with confrontation and accoutability comes from my relationship with my father and the unsafe, explosive way he modeled doing life. My mom had a role in it, too. Hiding while my dad stormed; making peace before there was ever a conflict and being an expert in passive-aggresive behavior.

Combine these factors and you have me who gets really nervous when I have to confront behavior in adults and I cork my feelings and avoid doing what is right. I go into an ultra calm, unemotional and expressionless mode that helps me to avoid exploding but has many shades of passive aggresion. People know I'm bugged about something but they don't know what. The result may be that everyone thinks I'm bugged with them or that I have no passion for what I am doing since I control my emotions too well.

I really don't know when I should show my passion for my work and how important I think it is. I'm very confused. I came across this quote today on another Blog and it is good wisdom for me.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by Dogma ~ which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

~ Steve Jobs

I do feel trapped by Dogma and that other people's opinions drown out my inner voice. I need courage to lead and to trust my instincts and beat the influences of the past that slow me down. It's so tough for me to balance out my drive and my need to make sure other people feel good about themselves and me. Is this codependancy?

I am a conflicted man but I carry on.

August 27, '05 9:58 PM

"ies" "just and "kind of"

Something that REALLY bothers me is putting "ies" on the end of a word. For example - "veggies" or "snackie" food - two words that make my skin crawl. Don't know why; it just happens.
Also, I'm really annoyed with the use of the words "just" and "kind of" as a way to be weak in communicating. "I just wanted to let you that we kind of decided that you are fired." Listen and you'll hear it often. It's weak and they are useless words in most contexts. Especially annoying is using the word "just" in prayer. It minimizes our permission to go before God boldly. What do you think?

August 26, '05