Thursday, July 12, 2007

Confrontation and Accountability

As a manager of paid and volunteer staff, confrontation and accountability are so much part of my life and so foreign to me at the same time. I haven't been at this long, about 3 years, and I come from 10 years of teaching children where the confrontation and accountability are so different. (or are they? the thought occured to me as i write that maybe i should treat them the same...thoughts?)
Part of my difficulty with confrontation and accoutability comes from my relationship with my father and the unsafe, explosive way he modeled doing life. My mom had a role in it, too. Hiding while my dad stormed; making peace before there was ever a conflict and being an expert in passive-aggresive behavior.
Combine these factors and you have me who gets really nervous when I have to confront behavior in adults and I cork my feelings and avoid doing what is right. I go into an ultra calm, unemotional and expressionless mode that helps me to avoid exploding but has many shades of passive aggresion. People know I'm bugged about something but they don't know what. The result may be that everyone thinks I'm bugged with them or that I have no passion for what I am doing since I control my emotions too well.
I really don't know when I should show my passion for my work and how important I think it is. I'm very confused. I came across this quote today on another Blog and it is good wisdom for me.
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by Dogma ~ which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."
~ Steve Jobs
I do feel trapped by Dogma and that other people's opinions drown out my inner voice. I need courage to lead and to trust my instincts and beat the influences of the past that slow me down. It's so tough for me to balance out my drive and my need to make sure other people feel good about themselves and me. Is this codependancy?
I am a conflicted man but I carry on.

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