Thursday, July 12, 2007

The Tank Is Empty

I've gotten to the point where i my tank is empty. i'm losing my capacity and desire to be patient with people or to connect with people and try to interact with them. I've been working everyday for two weeks straight to pull of a week long big event for 550 children and 200+ volunteers. It's warn me down and it's about the busiest week of the year.
My love capacity with my wife is really low right now. I haven't been connecting well with her over the last week and a half. It's been horrible. I don't have the will to call her, apologize and start the mending process. Even as i write this, i don't feel like i have the brain power or emotional power to describe what's been happening and how i feel.
at times like this i am most inclined to do stupid things - pursuing thoughts of things that bring quick satisfaction but long term destruction. porn. looking for stupid relationships. wasting time. i don't have a porn problem; i have a tired problem. when i'm tired i want to look at porn and find a bad relationship. (i've never done the relationship thing) both things that take me away from the way i know i should live life.
i need a break. i need some rest, recreation and relaxation. when i have the chance to read, meditate, play and pray, my tank gets refilled. time spent doing this will fill my tank as fast as anything and the bonus for me is that i have discovered i can do this really well when i am on the bike. i need to take a long ride and get lost in my legs spinning, dragging over hills, dipping deep into my endurance. i need something basic and primal and i need to accomplish something that is only dependent on me, myself and i.

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